SCHOOL SECRETARY FOR TWO HOURS


Recently – very recently I had the opportunity to assist at Jamie and Rosies school. Whilst the school secretaries (these are the men and women who are your first point of call when you go into a school) were busy we had the opportunity to sit in for them.

Above is a photo of Mrs Victor (in her bunny suit) right we all own a bunny suite, but suits like this are vital if you want to persue a carreer as a school secretary.

Now let me tell you I thought it would be a breeze – what could go wrong – all we had to do was sit in the frount office for the first break, answer the phone and take a message and direct visitors comming in the frount door – piece of cake – WRONG!!!!!

If I had to give one word for my hours experience it would be……

BLOODBATH!!!!

The bell rings and we settle in for an hour, the first casualty arrives spurting blood from his head,

“What happened??????????????”

“A book landed on my head, Auntie”

WHATDOYOUMEANABOOKLANDEDONYOURHEADDUDE?????????

Now I am not talking about a little graze, this kid has got a blood spurting deep head gash type of gusher and the kid isn’t even crying. It seems like Harry Potter took over a normally docile book and it flew through the air (by itself!!) and lodged itself into the kids skull – well that was his story anyway – so – we apply pressure onto the gusher area and wait for it to stop.

Whist we are busy with this dude (we are now only two minutes into break) another little dude walks in with the biggest black eye I have EVER seen – the black eye has also got a gusher in it –

“What happened?????”

“By accident my friend threw a marble at me, Auntie”

WHATDOYOUMEANAFRIENDTHREWAMARBLEATYOUDUDE!!!!!!!!!!! (Now please remember I have one hand on the other dudes head and its only three minutes into break).

How a marble can cause this amount of damage I have no idea.

So…………….we get ice and with my free hand apply ice to this massive black eye. Right… two hands are busy and the phone is ringing ( yep I’m going to answer it with my toes), the injured line (yes a line) is getting longer, parents have to be phoned to come and collect casualties, people need forms filled in – and whilst this is all happening the SCHOOL SECRETARIES (please note that for ever more when the words School and Secretary are used together they must be in capitals – these are VIP persons) have to maintain a level of decorum because they are the first point of contact that the public has with the school.

Well we get head injury to hold his own thingie that stops blood on your head, eye dude is hanging around like, well like eye dudes will hang around, with his eye getting bigger by the second – eventually he says to me in a small voice “Am I going to live?” yep I say but ask your Mom to take a photo because this is a once in a lifetime shiner.

I start noticing that once a kid has got his/her pill,plaster,hug,kiss or whatever else is needed to make them better they did not leave the office, now its getting quite crowded in the office.

“WAZZZUP?” I ask.

“Wheres our sweetie? Mrs Victor and Liane give us sweeties when we are sick.”

Now a few minutes ago these were mortally sick children NOW THEY WANT SWEETIES!!!!!!!!

5 minutes into break

Thank goodness Liane and Mrs Victor come back in, the sweeties are found, the cue is efficiently dispatched, parents a telephoned, telephones are answered, visitors are dealt with, teachers are assisted and so on.

Marble dude pulls me aside – “Auntie I lied to you”

“How”

“My friend didnt throw a marble at me he threw a BAG of marbles at me”

“Dude – get a new friend”

Once the real SCHOOL SECRETARIES got back to their office I bolted out of there quickly but to add insult to injury I hear two kids behind me. “Hey, this new teacher in frount of us is nice Hey” his friend answered “Dont worry shes still new”

Tanya left the building.

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