There is a food war going on in our house. 

Not just to settle with Rosie reading expiry dates and the contents of every tin, packet and box, now Tim Noakes, the Okie who is the Master of all things sport and health, has declared very publically that Carbo Loading and in fact carbs in any form will not enhance your sporting performance and you will surely expire a slow and unhealthy expiration if you continue eating these white little critters.  Add into the meelee, Jamie has read (YES he can read – magazines only and only those with a bicycle on the cover, and only those with LOTS of pictures of bicycles inside), in CYCLE magazine (which is according to him is the full stop of all things true) that before a race one should pump up on Carbohydrates in order to enhance performance.

So since Dr Noakes has declared he lost about 1 trillion kilograms in 30 days by eating no carbs I have decided to embark on a no-carb diet.

 Jamie is on a high carb performance diet.

Rosie will not eat anything that is within a year of expiration.

Frans does not eat tomatoes, bananas, any fresh fruit, any vegetables that have the same name as a paint colour (ie. Patty-pan, Aubergine) and salad goodies of any kind are a no-no.

In between this whole gedoent I have to cook, the scenario sort of plays out like this.

“What do you guys want for dinner?”, its one of these funny things, I don’t mind cooking – in fact I really enjoy cooking – however, I hate thinking and deciding WHAT to cook.

Jamie “Pasta”.

Rosie “Ummmmmm – Ummmmmm – Ummmmmm” .

Frans “Hamburgers”, When in doubt he always says Hamburgers, “skip the tomato, lettuce, sauce and onion” – man this just sounds like a mince-on-a-bun”.

Now even Mince on a bun is proving to be a problem ………… Rosie first inspects the bun, mince, butter, tomatoes OOPS did you know tomatoes and onions bought loose don’t have expiry dates, so this particular food has become a no-no – I am only to buy foods with expiry dates.  Buying mince or any other type of meat as well as buns  from bakeries has become a no-no – no expiry dates.

And all of this from 3 people who have nothing to do with the cooking process.  Man! They are like spectators at a Rugby match, a lot of whoo-haa for people who are not actually on the field.

So what I do?  Well as any good Mother knows – lying is the best policy.

I have realised Jamie doesn’t really know the difference between a Carb, protein, dairy or vitamin – food comes in one, and only one format – PREPARED.

School lunches are another story – Frans only eats cheese on a sandwich, Rosie only eats cheese on a sandwich but the sandwich must have no crusts, Jamie will only eat a sandwich made on Viking Bakery bread (yip he does know the difference), he will only eat cheese AND tomato, give him a cheese only sandwich and he won’t eat it, give him a tomato sandwich – he won’t eat it, it has to be cheese, tomato on Viking Bakery bread.

Now I began to realise that I was a bad mother the other day when the kids came to me and asked:

“Please can we have some vegetables?”

Now I thought I was being terribly clever.  I was sick and tired of cooking veggies just to chuck them into the dogs bowl at the end of the meal.  So I stopped, completely, cold turkey – not a vegetable passed our threshold for two whole weeks.  Our food wastage went to zero overnight.

Now the kids are cuing up literally BEGGING for veggies – Frans is still in a little bit of limbo here because most veggies have names that correspond with the Plascon colour chart.

Anyway – where do we stand in the food war.  Well I cook, they eat.  If they don’t like what I cook, I am beyond caring if they eat or starve.

Does this make me a bad mother?  I don’t care!!!! I am a woman with serious carb withdrawls – DONT MESS WITH ME!


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