THE DIET (AT LAST) THE FIRST WEEK


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Its taken me about 20 years to realise that I just may be a bit overweight!  I think that I have been in denial for about 20 years about just how I look.  I swear that every time I looked at the mirror I saw Demi Moore staring back at me.

So, it took the dreadful, harsh and unforgiving lighting in the Woolies changing room as well as the dreadful, harsh and unforgiving sizing of Woolies clothes, to actually make me see the light – as dreadful as it might be.

So ……… I have a plan:

a.  Firstly find a shake of some sorts to make sure I have breakfast – I personally think that not eating breakfast for 20 years has made me fat.

b.  Find a diet buddy and use bbm to motivate each other.

c.  Stick to my diet.

d.  Do some sort of formal exercise for half and hour per day.

So I find a shake, to be quite honest they all seem much of a muchness, they all offer at least 1kg weight loss per week if you replace TWO meals a day with their shake and follow a mild exercise plan as well as a kilojule controlled meal plan – MAN!!!  there is only one meal left and really should it be kilojule controlled?

So day one starts ……….. with high hopes I shake up my shake and sluk it down.

“IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY”  My brain is screaming to me.  I haven’t eaten breakfast in 20 years and now when I decide to go on a diet my brain decides its hungry at 7.00 am.

To keep myself busy I read the pamphlet a tad further than “replace two meals a day and follow a mild exercise plan as well as a kilojule controlled meal plan”  it say ……… and I quote:

“Take a CANDID photograph of yourself to check on your progress”.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME …………….. CANDID is not quite the adjective I would use to motivate myself.  Roll on the floor laughing, must I be naked in the photograph and look very sad?, in my underwear? (got to go back to Woolies – harsh lights and unforgiving sizes), fully clothed? (a tent) – sorry I dont know who the bright spark was that inserted that into the instruction.

Oh …… all the instructions that you must drink a minimum of two liters of water a day.

Finding a diet buddy was dead easy, in fact there are 3 of us.  We have formed a bbm group called – wait for it – “The Disappearing Act” – Cool name huh?  The plan is in order to motivate each other we will bbm our food diary as and when ANYTHING foodie and liquid enter our mouths.  The plan is two fold, firstly it is going to be interesting to see exactly what we are eating per day – fat doesn’t make its way onto our hips telepathically, and, secondly we can see that we are all human and make mistakes.

So here I am ….. 10 am on the first day of my diet ……. sitting on the loo …..  and I am sorry to say that I have my phone in my hand and “The Disappearing Act” lines are cooking.

Me:  1 shake, 1 coffee, 2 sugars, fat free milk

“IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY”

Other 1 :  Coffee, 2 sugars, fat free milk

“IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY,IMHUNGRY”

Other 2 :  2 Iced tea, bacon and avo salad, then she kicks us in the teeth and sends us a photo and the words “OK I cheat!  half a slice of ganache and ice-cream”  KICK HER OUT THE GROUP!  or “THIS WOMAN NEEDS SERRRRRIUS HELP”

“IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY, IMHUNGRY”  I am really getting tired of my brain here, I have 3 kids and a hubby that nag me all the time I really cant deal with my brain doing it too.

I get up off the loo, wash my hands and sterilize my phone – not taking phone to loo again.

I last till lunch time and have my second shake.

Now the exercise part.  The Disappearing Act have decided that we can run to lose weight.  HUGE problem here – I DON’T RUN, anyway in the spirit of losing weight I decide to go with them.

We rock up at Other 1’s house and first we measure and weigh ourselves – between us we have to lose a massive 60 kgees, which will make us each 60 kgees.  If you think about it between us we are carrying another group member – its d disgusting!

We stretch for two seconds and off we gallop.  By step 100 (yes I counted) I am poked!  My running isn’t the sort of sexy looking stride, its a sort of jagged little bounce around where three steps take me about 20 cm.  The plan is to run 6,2 kays – at this pace I will be back next year!  Other 1 and 2 are chatting away, I can barely breathe.

“huff, huff, you guys carry on”

Off they stride, chatting away and looking very “Chariots of Fire”ish.

The plan WAS that 6.2 kays would take about 40 minutes – so I decide to run/walk/shuffle and wobble one way for twenty minutes and turn around and head back to Other 1’s house so that we can all meet at the same time.

I walk (fast) …… but each time I hear a car I break into a Chariots of Fire stride – my hair is blowing in the wind, there is a smile on my face, I wave at the car – the minute it rounds a corner I collapse – 4 cars later I am finished.

Now the first 20 minutes I swear were all uphill so I turn around and see a lovely downhill beckoning ………. piece of cake!

I start trotting down the hill, I go faster and faster, little itsy bitsy steps eating up the centimeters.  Now I’m getting tired – I CANT STOP – faster and faster I go, my 20 extra kilograms giving me momentum and push – a car comes past and I cant even lift my hand to wave, my hair is stuck to my scalp – I AM IN REAL TROUBLE HERE!!!!!  HELP!!!

Off I am zooting, I cant breathe, I cant stop, I cant take this anymore!  Eventually I come to Other 1’s house and I crash land into a tastefully piece of driftwood she has in her front garden.  After dusting pieces of wood out of my clothes, smooth my hair and get my breathing into check I saunter into her house – It has taken me 7 minutes to do the return journey.  Her hubby says “how was it?”.  “Piece of cake”  I lie …………. because I cant talk anymore I leave.  Get into my car and light a ciggie.  Half way home I meet Other 1 and Other 2 striding on the home stretch to Other 1’s house.  “How did it go?”  – “Great!”  I lie.  “Gotta go home and feed the masses ……..”  Gratefully I drive off.

Day One of Diet finished ……….. it was hell but it was fine.  Now I am on Day 4 but I have also given up running.

In the words of Holly Branson (yip …….. Richards daughter):

“If you want to go fast, go alone.  If you want to go far, go together”  I hope that The Disappearing Act are going to go far together ……… hopefully not in running shoes.